Have you ever been to the doctor’s and were asked if you feel safe at home? Many of us presume this is to report and prevent domestic violence. However, that’s not the only reason. Sexual abuse within a marriage is a real thing that’s hardly ever talked about, which in turn is severely underreported.
So why is it something rarely mentioned? Well, there could be a variety of reasons. Some choose not to report it due to a sense of loyalty or privacy to their spouse, unwilling to accept themselves as a victim, fear of embarrassment or shame, reluctance to categorize it as sexual assault, and fear of not being believed. Many individuals that have been sexually assaulted have a sense that it was a result of something they did, that they deserved it somehow. This can lead to significant feelings of guilt, shame, negative self-worth, and symptoms of depression. Like those experiencing domestic violence, sexual assault victims from an intimate partner still have some level of loyalty to them and decide not to talk about it as a form of protection. It can be really challenging for individuals in general to accept they have been sexually assaulted, and this is especially true when it occurs in serious intimate relationships. Marital rape is now illegal in all 50 states, but there are still some states out there that have exemptions which include categorizing marital rape as a less offensive crime than that of rape from a stranger. Even still, many people in America don’t believe sexual assault in marriage is even a thing because traditionally it has been presumed that once marriage, it deems as consent.
Sexual assault from a former or current partner, is still sexual assault. Marital sexual assault is hardly ever an isolated event. For many who experience marital sexual assault, it often starts as controlling behavior with or without physical violence. Anyone who is sexually assaulted to some degree, will experience negative consequences that can greatly impact their physical and/or mental health. These can include symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) ranging from mild to severe, problematic issues within their cardiovascular, reproductive, gastrointestinal, and sexual health. Some victims will turn to drugs or alcohol, isolation and withdrawal from friends and family, and engage in smoking or risky sexual behaviors as a method to cope with their trauma (CDC.org).
Withholding sex as a form of punishment is sexual assault. Nonconsensual sex is sexual assault. Being forced to perform sexual activities is sexual assault. Criticizing a partners appearance using offensive language is sexual assault. Approximately 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men will experience intimate partner contact sexual violence, (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). Many don’t even realize they have been sexually assaulted in their relationship until after the fact. I can attest to this because I’m one of them.
It wasn’t until I was divorced and began therapy that I was able to put the pieces together. In my experience, it didn’t happen frequently, but there are at least 3 incidents that jump out at me. Looking back, I remember how I felt in those moments. The first time, it was after a night of drinking. I assumed the behavior was a result of my (then) boyfriend being drunk. My first mistake was to make an excuse for him. Little did I know at the time that it would lead to a mile long road of excuses I made for his behavior toward me. The second time, we were in the middle of intercourse, and he attempted to do a sexual act that I didn’t consent to, nor was I comfortable with. We were married then (and 100% sober), and he knew how I felt about it prior. What was the excuse I made for him that time? I was his wife, and I had a responsibility to keep him satisfied. There were many incidents in our 10+ years together where intimacy would be withheld as a form of punishment for something that I had either done or said. As I have expanded my knowledge of sexual assault through therapy, I have come to the realization that I didn’t ask for any of those things to happen. I didn’t enjoy it when those things happened. I didn’t want those things to happen. It was not my fault… And if you’re experiencing similar events or relating to this blog in any way, it’s not your fault either.
So, how do we end sexual assault between intimate partners? Reporting sexual assaults, no matter if the person is an intimate partner or not. I know it’s hard. I know there is a stigma around it. I know Intimate partner sexual assault gets brushed under the rug and dismissed. Let’s end that here and now. Let’s not be silent about it anymore. The quieter we are about it, the more they get away with it. Let’s take back our power.
There are many ways you can report sexual assault including to authorities, doctors, and mental health professionals. There are also so many resources out there for help. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) and Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) have hotlines that you can call anonymously for assistance. You can find more resources in your area at nsrvc.org/findhelp.
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