Anchored

Supporting the survivor: 2 main ways you can be a support

Finding out someone close to you has been experiencing domestic violence or sexual assault can be alarming and it can be difficult to navigate that relationship- not knowing how to act, what do, what to say. You may pull away a bit, have a lot of questions, or even want to rescue that person. The hard thing to realize, is unless that person truly is ready to leave- there isn’t much you can do until they leave the relationship. Whether the person is still a victim or are a survivor, they need the same thing from you- support.

A person who has experienced domestic violence or sexual assault has suffered from something traumatic and psychologically damaging, and unfortunately with that comes a lot of residual effects. Once a victim gets out of the relationship and makes the shift to survivor, that’s only half the battle. Most likely, now as a survivor, they are fighting a battle in their own heads that you know nothing about, because they have perfected the art of masking their true feelings. Every survivor’s experience is different. However, survivors may experience periods of anger, sadness and grief, debilitating anxiety and fear, and believe it or not- regret. All these feelings are normal. Survivors may experience a great deal of anger toward their abusers or even themselves. They may feel angry that the person they loved and trusted were able to hurt them so badly, and they may be angry with themselves for ‘letting’ it happen. It is common for survivors to feel sadness and grief because even though they had been abused, they loved their abuser, nonetheless. They may grieve the relationship they had envisioned, or the partner they thought they had. Many survivors experience debilitating anxiety or fear once they leave their abuser. They typically are terrified that the abuser will find them and hurt them, will take their children, and sometimes believe their abuser will kill them. And lastly, they may feel regret for leaving. The survivor may be trying to rationalize going back to their abuser, because even after all the hurt and pain, stress and chaos, and fighting their way out of the relationship, they still want their abuser. This is a direct result of trauma bonding. So knowing all this, how can you support the survivor?

Though you may be jumping for joy, and ready to celebrate the fact that they got out, it may take all the survivor has just to wake up in the morning. The most important way you can help a survivor is to provide them with support. Whether it is emotional support or material support, all they need from you is support. They need to know that they are not alone. They need to know that someone has their back. They need to know that they have someone to lift them up when they are too fragile to stand up. They need you.

Experiencing abuse takes its toll on a person psychologically. It is mentally draining every moment. Ways that you can provide emotional support to a survivor is by lending an ear and validating their emotions. Typically, a survivor has experienced isolation of some sort, so by even providing a source to listen can make a big impact. Another way to provide emotional support is to be nonjudgmental.  Criticizing or blaming the survivor is only going to cause more damage and reinforce that the abuser was right about them. Also, chances are that survivor has already berated themselves at one point or another for being and staying in that situation. I remember when I first left my abuser, a few people I was close to would tell me things like ‘I knew there was something going on’ or ‘I told you they weren’t good for you’ or even ‘I always knew there was something wrong with them and I couldn’t place my finger on it’. Not a single one of these comments made me feel even a little better, it made me feel worse about myself and it made me angry. Survivors are victims that have suffered from being told every negative thing about them that you could possibly fathom, don’t add to it- the survivor doesn’t need that. This next way to support a survivor emotionally is very difficult for a lot of supports- not talking bad about the abuser. Now, before you start to get upset and explain all the reasons why the abuser deserves it, hear me out…Because of that trauma bond with the abuser, on some level the survivor still holds a loyalty to the abuser, especially when they first leave the relationship. By talking poorly about the abuser, it could have the adverse effect and actually, push them towards going back to the abuser. Continuing to be a support to them and offering to go spend time with them when they are lonely or struggling, offering to go to a service provider or legal advisor for moral support, and offering to help them create a safety plan can mean more to the survivor than they can ever express. I still remember who my emotional supports were and thinking back, I don’t know if I would’ve been able to have the strength to get through it, if I didn’t have their support. It makes a difference.

Material support is a little different. Many survivors get out of the relationship with either the bare minimum or absolutely nothing. They may have been financially dependent on the abuser and realized that they just needed to get out and that was the most important thing. The most immediate way to support a survivor is through material support. Perhaps they need a safe place to stay, and you can either provide that or help them find somewhere to go. They may need essentials to put into a ‘go bag’ incase their abuser finds them, and maybe you’re able to stock that bag for them. If you are not financially able to do these things, its ok. You could help them identify supports that can assist them with housing, food, medical care, and mental health care. You can help be a material support by helping them build their case against the abuser through taking pictures of injuries, providing exact transactions between the abuser and survivor, and noting dates that the abuse happened, so it is less stressful for the survivor. You can also help them find resources like domestic violence or sexual assault hotlines and support groups. I walked out of my abusive relationship with $100 in my pocket that I had to beg for, a car loaded with my most essential belongings, important documents (my kids birth certificates and social security cards, my license, IEP reports), and 3 kids and the things that mattered to them the most at the time. I had left a month before my son started 1^st grade and my daughters started pre-k. I had no money to purchase back to school clothes or supplies, I barely had enough to buy pull-ups and a weeks’ worth of food for my kids. My father and sister stepped up to help me and my kids out. My father let us stay with him, and my sister bought my children back to school clothes, supplies, and bought us food. The amount of gratitude I felt in those moments, and even now- years later, is unmeasurable. It makes a difference.

You can make a difference by just being a support, a person to lean on, or someone who shows a survivor kindness. Remember, there is no right or wrong way for a survivor to heal, and there is no set way of supporting a survivor, everyone is different. To help determine the best way to support a survivor, ask them what they need in that moment, give them a hug and let them feel safe, be the light in a dark situation. No matter how extravagant or how minimal the gesture, I promise you it is appreciated.